Throughout my first year as a parent, I have experienced a wide range of emotions. Excitement for new milestones, fear for every illness, and an overwhelming amount of love. But there is one emotion that gnaws at you almost every day making you question your ability to be a good parent. That emotion is guilt; I thought that this would go away after my bout of postpartum depression took its' leave but when the insomnia, sadness, and anxiety dissipated, the guilt remained.
Some guilt can range from simply being on your phone a little longer than you should, or using Ms. Rachel more than usual on an especially difficult day. But then there are the times where you question everything and the weight of your doubt and guilt is suffocating.
My most recent experience was when I was in a parent teacher conference at my school. One of the parents was talking about making the most of her time at home with her child because she only spends 3 hours a day with her on the weekdays. 3 hours. As a mother, or a carrier of a child, you spend 9 months sharing a body with your baby. You get to know their movements, their cravings, their kicks, every second of every minute of the day only to be left with 3 hours. I know many people do not have the means to be stay at home parents, my wife and I falling into that category. But I couldn't help but feel the crushing feeling that I am failing our daughter. I am letting her be raised by someone else, while I am spending my time teaching and guiding other people's children. I was ready to quit right then and there before reason swooped in and reminded me of my family's reality. But I would be lying if I said I am not struggling with this thought daily; through every picture sent to us from daycare to the constant videos of stay at home mothers on social media with their children.
So what do you do? How do you fight through this immense pressure that you place on yourself?
I have done a little research and compiled a list of what I believe to be the most realistic and useful tips on battling parent guilt:
Tips on How to Combat Mom Guilt
Tip 1: Self Reflection
When you find yourself being swarmed by invasive thoughts, try to extract yourself from them and reflect. Ask yourself why are you feeling the way that you are. What is the root of your guilt and what expectation do you feel you did not meet? Recognize if your feeling is irrational or if there is some validity to your negative self-talk. If there is some rationality to your guilt, try to identify the ways to either fix the problem or how you can learn from your mistake and apply that learned knowledge to future situations. For example, I recognized that I tend to spend a lot of time on my phone after work and after pulling myself out from my shaming thoughts, I have decided to try to limit my phone use to after my daughter has gone down for the night.
Tip 2: Practice Self Care
We hear the term self care everywhere: at work, online, in commercials, but what does it really mean? It is easy to get wrapped up into your children and forget who you are outside of your role as a parent. Self care is allowing yourself time to remember who you were before you had children and to find things you find enjoyable again. Whether it's finding a hobby or going for a 30 minute walk once a day, it is important to find things that allow you to regain your self identity. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to provide myself with an outlet and to rekindle my love for writing and I feel better for it.
Tip 3: Identify your Support People: Ask for Help
There is a reason people say parenting takes a village (cliche, I know). Make a note of all the people in your life you know you can rely on. It is pretty easy to weed out the people who only want to be around the baby and don't offer much help beyond that. If your personal support system is limited, there are also local online groups you can find that are free of charge where you can connect with other parents.
Tip 4: Manage Social Media
Ah, social media so much entertainment but also so many issues wrapped up into these little apps. People love to portray parenting as this perfect image of happiness and sunshine, when probably five seconds earlier their baby tried to put their hand in their own poop and paint with it. Try to recognize that most social media is only showing 1% of a person's life and unfollow or mute people and posts that you find triggering. When I first had my daughter, I kept being shown posts of people losing their infants to SIDS and if I had not blocked those posts I would have drowned in my anxiety. Identify topics, posts, and people that harm your mental health and unfollow or mute them.
Tip 5: Communication
Open communication with your partner is so important to maintaining your sanity and a healthy relationship. Parenting requires teamwork and it is important to recognize not only your own limits but your partners; this can help you avoid losing your patience or your temper which may result in those guilt-ridden thoughts. My wife and I recognized early on when we were at our wits end and would step in to support each other. There is nothing wrong with knowing when to tap out.
Be Kind to Yourself
At the end of the day, we are going to make mistakes. But if you are able to own up to your mistakes and learn from them you are already doing more than what many of our parents did for us. Remember to take care of yourself, we are only able to give to others as much as we give to ourselves.
References
Frost, A. (2020, March 31). What is mom guilt? why being gentle with yourself matters. Healthline. Retrieved May 4, 2023, from https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/mom-guilt
Sharp, B. (2022, November 21). Tips for dealing with mom guilt. Tips for Dealing With Mom Guilt. Retrieved May 4, 2023, from https://www.thebump.com/a/mom-guilt
Struggling with mom guilt? here's what to do to overcome it. Struggling with mom guilt? Here's what to do to overcome it. (n.d.). Retrieved May 4, 2023, from https://www.betterup.com/blog/mom-guilt
Suarez-AngelinoLCSW, W. by:L., & SookdeoMD, R. by:T. (n.d.). Mom guilt: Causes & 13 tips for overcoming. Choosing Therapy. Retrieved May 4, 2023, from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/mom-guilt/
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