Every person who identifies as LGBTQ has a coming out story. Some are more tragic than other's, but no coming out story was easy. I have shared my story several times; when I was a high school teacher, I shared my story in my friend's social studies class during her unit about LGBTQ social justice. It was scary, kids aren't exactly the nicest, but after I was told that my story had made an impact; that several students had come forward after and felt comfortable enough to come out and share their own story, I knew it had been worth it. I guess that is why I am writing this post today. Maybe I can help people take just one more step towards accepting themselves because at the end of the day, that is the hardest battle we face.
For me, I started to be attracted to girls when I was in middle school. At the time I had no idea what I was feeling or what it meant. There wasn't a lot of LGBTQ representation in the media then like there is now, so I didn't even know it was a possibility. It wasn't until I watched the characters Willow and Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I realized that people could be with people who were the same sex. I didn't understand at the time why I felt the way I did when I watched them together as a couple; I never knew that I could be like them; to me it wasn't even an option.
In high school, after multiple failed relationships with boys, I started to come to the realization that maybe I was different. I tried telling a friend about my feelings, but he said "No, you're not a lesbian. Don't be ridiculous," and I took him at his word. Being straight was easy, there was no coming out, there was no disappointing your family, there was no self hatred. I wanted to have a normal life, have a family at that time I didn't even know that two women could have a child together.
But most of all, I wanted to be accepted. Doesn't everybody?
Flash forward to the end of my freshman year of college. This was about the time I started watching Grey's Anatomy and was yet again exposed to another LGBTQ couple. Watching these two women sparked something in me that had been ignited long before I turned on this show. I knew then, that I hadn't been ridiculous years earlier. I remember when the reality of it all sank in. I was home alone; tears rushing down my face because I knew then that my life would never be the same. With my head held in my hand I sobbed. I wrestled with myself long into the hours of the night where all was quiet; except for my racing thoughts. My mind was at war with itself, "You don't like girls. You don't like girls. You can't like girls." Over and over again trying to beat myself down into submission, but there was no running away. Not this time.
The very next day, while my inner battle raged on, I remember seeing some of my extended family and friends at a luncheon. I don't remember how we got on the topic of LGBTQ people but the conversation has been burned into my brain. I sat there while people who I loved and trusted, said "It's not right. It's an abomination." People around me had talked about it here and there over the years. I remember my mom turning off the TV when two women kissed on the screen, or sermons at churching condemning those who "chose that lifestyle." But that day, with that conversation, it was like the universe was telling me that there was something wrong with me; that like they had said, I was an abomination.
Despite my realization, I still tried to date guys. I thought maybe I was bisexual, that I still had a chance to hide who I was under the veil of a different label. I tried to push myself into being something I wasn't and when yet another relationship didn't work out, I was forced to reflect. I never felt so alone in my life. I remember the suffering and the blinding hatred I had for myself. I had only told a few people at this point, none of which had been very helpful.
I had entered the darkest part of my identity crisis while I was abroad. My latest relationship had ended and no one who I was with had the slightest inkling of what I was going through. I fell into a deep depression, thousands of miles away from most of my support system. I was so angry. So, so angry at everything. It wasn't until the end of my trip in a drunken rage when I finally told the first supportive person what was going on.
We were sitting down on a rock wall, in the middle of the night, after I had stormed off from a bar. My friend had come after me, probably thinking I was insane for running off into the dark, in a country I was barely familiar with. All of those emotions had been unleashed with a couple of drinks and I had lost control. But when I had finally calmed down and let the truth come out; she just hugged me, supported me, and we laughed. Because after laying it out, it didn't seem as devastating as it felt. She may not know this, but that was beginning of my journey towards acceptance. So if you are reading this, and you know who you are, thank you for pushing me in the right direction.
When I returned home, I started going to therapy. I needed help, although I had begun my healing journey I was still suffering from debilitating depression. I was still so scared to tell my family. I knew many of them would support me, but it was the idea of opening that door and knowing that it could never be shut again. Telling my family made it permanent. And that was terrifying.
At this point, I had finally opened myself up to trying to date women. This is when my wife entered the equation. I, of course, falling right into the stereotype of marrying the first woman I ever dated. But she is the one who finally pushed me over the finish line. I knew that there could be nothing wrong with being with someone like her. She was kind, compassionate, funny, and loving. It also let me come to the final conclusion that I was a lesbian because no guy had ever made me feel the way she did.
She gave me the courage to come out to the rest of my friends and finally my family. I want to make it clear that she never pushed me to, but I knew that our relationship was serious and I needed everyone to know it.
You would think that after all that turmoil there would be a heart-wrenching climax to this story, but there isn't.
It was all pretty anticlimactic really. My family and friends supported me and have continued to support, love, and accept me. My wife and I have begun to build a beautiful family together and her family has shown me nothing but love and has welcomed me with open arms. We have a beautiful daughter together and my pain has been washed away. I have learned to love myself and take pride into who I am.
My biggest fight had been with myself. Without the representation, without the open conversations we have now, I may not be where I am now. Hell I may not even be here. I see the younger generation loving and accepting who they are and although I envy them, I am so happy to know that many of them will not experience what many of the older generations have. There are still so many stories that do not have the happy ending that mine has. I don't think the people who have helped me on my journey even realize the impact they have had on my life. Just showing acceptance was enough to change the course of my life. So if you are an ally and someone comes out to you, just showing your support may not seem like much, but it may be life changing for that person.
And know that if you are struggling right now and the people around you have not been there for you that there is love and support somewhere out there for you and that you are not alone.
Happy Pride Month!
Celebrate Love, Share Acceptance, Fight Against Hate
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