As a part of the LGBTQ community many of us have the opportunity to reflect upon our readiness to become a parent. I spent my entire life waiting to become a mom. When most kids are asked what they want to do when they grow up, they spout out “a firefighter! A police man!” or some other exciting occupation. Me? Nope, I told people I wanted to be a mom. I carried my little baby doll around with me and raised my Sophia as if she was my own. So needless to say I was ecstatic when everything in our life fell into place and gave us the greenlight to start talking about having children of our own.
But if I had been dreaming of that day all my life, why did I find myself drowning in doubt? I was suddenly up in the late hours of the night fighting off panic attacks that had not graced me with their presence since college. My mind swirled with made-up movies that always left me as the villain. I was so worried about being a bad mom. How could I raise an emotionally healthy child when I sometimes barely had control over my own feelings? How would this affect my relationship with my wife? She is always so calm and easy-going; would that leave me stranded within the disciplinarian role? I did not want to always be the bad guy.
As lesbians, we never had the worry of being thrown into parenthood by accident. Our decision to become moms was a conscious one; one we were not going to make until we were both emotionally ready for it. But was I ready for it? What does it really mean to be ready to be a parent?
So my wife and I decided to seek out a counselor. Someone who could help us work out our fears, heal from our past, and use those difficult experiences to help us become better parents.
I have always been hesitant of counselors. There have been a few times in my life where I have gone for therapy and it did not feel helpful. Thankfully this was not one of those times. She eased our concerns about parenting and even told us that she believed we were going to be wonderful parents (probably the best thing I’ve ever heard from a stranger).
She explained that every couple has a disciplinarian and a more lax partner; that combination is the best for raising children. If both parents are disciplinarian, then the household would be too strict and if both parents are too lax then it would be a free for all. We all know people who came from these two types of households and it was less than ideal. Our counselor explained that yes I will overreact sometimes, but my wife has to back me up in front of the kids and then when we are alone she can talk some sense into me. There were going to be hardships and our relationship will be tested again and again but if we have open communication with each other we will make it through. Communication was and always will be key. Looking back I can honestly say there are no truer words. We could do that; I knew we could and so far we have.
But the most important thing I learned? I learned that we were going to make mistakes; we were going to yell sometimes and we were going to lose our temper. But as long as we take accountability and apologize when we make those mistakes then we will raise wonderful, responsible, and empathetic children. That’s all we can ask for.
Comments