“Actually we are referring to our donor as ‘the donor’ not (insert inappropriate name here);” This was one of the many uncomfortable conversations we have had and will continue to have as our daughter gets older. Did you think the constantly coming out conversation was the only awkward encounter you would have for the rest of your life? (That’s fun isn’t it?). And if you are anything like me, you try to avoid awkward or unpleasant encounters at all costs. But hey, this is important for not only you, but for your child. Consistently eliminates confusion.
Yet another decision my wife and I had to make was what to call our daughter’s donor. This is something we had not even thought about before starting the process, but after a consultation with a psychologist (another step in the IUI process), we quickly saw the importance of it. We had to come up with a name or title that everyone needed to use when referring to the donor. In today’s post, I am going to talk about the process of choosing a nickname for the donor and how to ensure your family and friends are on the same page.
Choosing a Donor Nickname
As with your donor choice, what title you use for your donor is a personal one. Obviously if your donor is a part of your child’s life early on (say a friend donated) you may choose a different title than someone who does not want their donor to be an active participant in their family. In our situation, we do not want our daughter to think her donor is anything more than someone who was generous enough to donate so that we could start a family. Of course, when she is older, if she chooses to seek out her donor then she can change the title we came up with without any objection from us; that is her right. But for consistency and to avoid any confusion, my wife and I decided to refer to our donor as just that, “the donor.” We wanted to make it as impersonal but still positive as possible, but there are other nicknames people may want to use if they want to take a different route.
Other potential nicknames:
The helper
Donor Dad
Donor Father
Uncle
Eventually when your child is old enough, you may even consider allowing them to choose the nickname for their donor. It may help them feel like they have more of a connection with the donor. There is a very lovely article from Parents.com called, “Explaining Sperm and Egg Donors to Children” that goes into depth about how to tell a donor conceived child about the process if you want to learn more about it. I will share how we gradually tell our daughter in a later (much later) post.
Spreading the Word
One of the most important aspects of choosing your donor’s nickname or title is making sure the rest of the people in your child’s life is on the same page. This also includes having to correct people from time to time when they may have forgotten. After we chose what we were going to call the donor, we sat down with close friends and family and explained to them “the donor” was what we were going to use from now on when referring to our daughter’s sperm donor. We explained that this will make it easier for the child when it is time to have the very important conversation about who the donor is and who they are to them. And it went well; there were no objections, but remember this was well before we even conceived our daughter. We had almost a year before I got pregnant; a year where the conversation dwindled to less than a memory. When the time comes where you have to gently correct someone, here are some helpful tips to avoid confrontation or hurt feelings.
Tips on Gentle Correcting:
Pull the person aside to speak privately
Assume good intentions
Avoid being confrontational
Explain why it is important
Example:
“Hey, I just wanted to remind you that we use (insert donor nickname here) when talking about the donor. It can be a little confusing for (insert child’s name here) if we use different names for him.”
It’s important to remember that people are going to forget and they will make mistakes. And that’s okay, we are all human. It is our job as parents to continue to gently remind people to use the agreed upon name to limit any confusion.
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