Decisions, Decisions
Non-ID Donors vs. ID Donors
(Source: iStock)
The choice of using a Non-ID donor or an ID donor had been a frequent dinner conversation before we started the IUI process. The two types of donors refer to whether or not you want to have future contact with your donor. It is similar to the open and closed option for the adoption process. Needless to say, this was not a decision to take lightly and my wife and I were at odds with what to choose at first. In this post today, I will explain the difference between the two types of donors, share our thought process on the decision, and explain what our final choice was.
Non-ID Donor vs. ID Donor
A Non-ID donor is a donor that does not allow contact with them and the donor’s identity is never released. The only information you receive about the donor is from the profile on the cryobank website. If one chooses this option, it is required that you sign a form agreeing to never seek out the donor’s identity; this includes through genetic testing. An ID donor is a donor that chose to have their information released when your child turns 18. The child is responsible for reaching out to the cryobank in order to receive the donor’s contact information otherwise the cryobank will not send it out. The cryobank also only guarantees one contact between your child and the donor. If the donor does not want to contact your child again, they are not obligated to do so. Also be aware that even with the ID donor your child is not allowed to complete genetic testing until they are 18 years old because that could result in finding the identity of your donor.
The Thought Process
My wife and I were pretty split on whether to choose an ID donor or a Non-ID donor. My wife wanted to choose an ID donor while I was leaning more towards a Non-ID donor. My original opinion was that I was concerned about having the donor in my daughter’s life. I did not want there to be any confusion with who her parents were. I was worried that my wife would not be viewed as my daughter’s “real mom” because she was not biologically related to her. I wanted it to be clear that blood does not make a family; love does.
My other thoughts came from my own pure insecurities. Would she abandon us when she was older for the donor because she did not like us? Are we not going to be enough for her? I was so scared that she would think that there was someone better than us out there and she wouldn’t want anything to do with us. Thinking back on this now makes me realize how silly it really is. As long as my wife and I are loving, accepting, and fair to her, she will have all she needs.
My wife’s opinion was based more on reason (as usual). She believed that someday our daughter is going to have questions; ones that we will not be able to provide answers to. In the not so distant future, other curious kids are going to start asking her why she has two moms? Where is her dad? And of course we are going to tell her the truth and she will more than likely have even more questions. She is going to wonder who this man is, what he is like, is she like him in any way? Our daughter has a right to know these answers and we believe that it is not our choice to tell her she can or can’t.
The Final Decision
We finally agreed to go with an ID donor mainly because at the end of the day it should be our daughter’s choice whether or not she wants to learn more about her donor. I put my own fears and insecurities aside and realized that the best option for our family was for my daughter to have just that—-options. Isn’t that what parenting is all about? Putting your own feelings aside to do what is best for your child? I know my wife and I are going to be wonderful parents; mistakes and all. But this is our story and you and your family need to write your own. This is a personal decision and one that should be well thought out, but only you and your family can tell you what is right for you.
References
Understanding non-ID release vs ID release donor profiles. Cryos International . (2017, December 17). Retrieved March 25, 2023, from https://www.cryosinternational.com/en-us/us-shop/client/blog/non-id-release-id-release-donor-profiles/
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