In light of my daughter’s first birthday last week, we are going to fast forward a bit. I want to take a moment and reflect on this past year; all the ups and all of the many downs we experienced. I said in an earlier post, that being a parent tests your relationship with your partner, but it also tests your relationship with yourself. I will not go into meticulous detail in this post with each stage of my daughter’s first year, but I will share the core memories, the good and the bad because if there is anything I can tell you about our parenting journey so far is that the good definitely comes with the bad.
April 6, 2022
The Beginning
I have trouble describing the exact emotions I experienced when
I first laid eyes on my daughter. A wave of adoration washed over me as I watched the nurse take my beautiful pink baby away to measure and weigh her. I never knew I could love anything the way I instantly loved my daughter.
But I also remember the crippling fear that filled my chest when they first placed her in my trembling hands. I remember how little she was compared to me and I was so scared I was going to hurt her. I specifically recall my fixation on my long fingernails. I had forgotten to cut them the night my water broke and I was terrified I was going to scratch her! Silly now that I think about it, but I was a brand new mom and within seconds I went from being just me to someone responsible for a human being. I feared I wouldn’t be good enough for the beautiful being I had created.
April 7, 2022
The Second Day is The Worst
We were warned. We we warned that the second day at the hospital was the worst. All our nurses said it, but we were naive. She was sleeping so well! She barely even cried the first night. I never understood why we doubted them. The nurses did this everyday, all day. They’ve helped hundreds of families welcome their newborns into the world. Why didn’t we believe them?
Well let me tell you we did not make the same mistake twice. Our sweet little six pound angel screamed louder than a husky for hours that second day. Nothing could soothe her; no swaddle was tight enough, no boob was soft enough. Nothing. The poor thing missed her snug, warm, dark, womb where only she and I existed. Now she had been thrown into an unknown world full of bright lights, unfamiliar sounds, faces, and smells. By the end of that day, my wife and I wondered if we could do this. Would it always be this difficult? Were we already failing at being parents on the second day? My poor cracked boobs told me that we were (Helpful Tip: Your baby does not want to breastfeed for two hours straight; they are just using you as a pacifier #savethenipple). But the bad or scary moments did not last and by the third day, when we were ready to take our girl home, there was less crying; my daughter cried less too.
May 2022
The First Smile
A full month had gone by. The first few weeks had been full of crying, cuddles, blow outs and tummy time. We were fumbling, trying to figure out how this parenting thing worked. We were navigating through the witching hour, long nights, and plenty of spit up. But I would do it all over a thousand times for that first glimpse of a smile; a real smile. We were told that many babies begin to smile at or around 1 month old. As the weeks passed by, we had yet to see that long awaited expression. We were rewarded for all our efforts at the end of May; I walked into the room, peered down at her in her bassinet and her smile spread across her face, scrunching her little eyes. Everything fell away at that moment and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her smile again.
August 2022
The Adventures of Daycare
We are going to jump forward to a couple months later. Not that there were not plenty of precious and difficult moments in the summer of 2022, but I need a little self control while I write this or I will end up writing a book.
My wife had long since gone back to work at this point, leaving me with my mini me. I think that the parents' curse of the famous, “I hope your kids are as difficult as you,” is very real because let me tell you, those three months were rough. But my wife was a rockstar, not only was she working full time, but she came home and never hesitated to take right over to give me a much needed mental break. I do not think I would have survived those several months without her. I would have liked to tell myself that things were about to get better, but that was not the case. Daycare and all the germs that come with it was about to begin.
Less than a month into daycare, our daughter got COVID. My wife and I at that point had been pretty lucky; two years into the pandemic and we had yet to get it. One Saturday night, the nightmare began; our daughter woke up screaming around midnight. No amount of rocking, singing, or drinking could soothe her. She has always been a crier, but we were always able to figure out how to calm her. Not this time. I remember when I noticed her breathing. Her tummy was being sucked in to the point where we could see her ribs and when she tried to take in air she wailed even more. At this point, we knew that we needed help. We called 911 and when the EMTs arrived they told us she had a fever of 102 and her oxygen was low. With that we were on our way to the hospital in an ambulance. Luckily after some Tylenol and prednisone, she was feeling better. The hospital called us the following day to say that she tested positive for COVID. But wait there’s more!
September-October 2022
The Months of Sickness
Within three days, everyone in our house had COVID. I missed most of my first week of school due to quarantine, but my reign of sickness was far from over. Our daughter also contracted RSV by the end of September and had a lingering cough for months after. We were pretty lucky that she seemed to bounce back quickly from all her sicknesses and despite the many months of crankiness, our daughter’s personality was beginning to shine. She was so smiley, so full of curiosity, and loved her Mamas. She even had started reaching for us when people held her and my heart swelled with love.
If she only got sick a couple times, why did I title this section “Months of Sickness?” Well, it was me! I was the patient! A week after recovering from COVID, I also contracted bronchitis, strep, and eventually pneumonia in the same week! The coughing wrecked my system and I could barely make it off the couch. By that Saturday, I knew something else was wrong. I had searing pain in my chest whenever I took a breath and no position could ease the discomfort. One trip to Urgent Care and an X-ray later informed me that I broke 3 ribs from coughing. FROM COUGHING? I didn’t even know that was a thing!
You are probably wondering, “Wow, that sucks. But what does this have to do with your baby?” During this time, not only was I quarantining myself from my wife and daughter because of all my very contagious illnesses, but I could no longer lift or carry her. I went from being the main caregiver for months to barely being in the same room with her. By the time I could hold her again without pain, she cried in my arms. Where she had once reached for me, now she saw me as a stranger. It was devastating. I felt like I had failed her and myself. It would take me months to rectify and mend our relationship. Even now that I know she loves me and reaches for me again, I wonder what would have been if I had not gotten sick.
November 2022- April 2023
Send Help: She’s on the Move
From 6th months on has probably been my favorite part of my daughter’s first year. She is learning so many new things in such a short amount of time and you are getting a real look into the little person she is becoming. What I learned? She is wild! I know I may regret this in another year, but I love it. By the beginning of November she was beginning to army crawl her way across rooms. The day after Thanksgiving, she not only learned how to crawl, she learned to pull herself up to a stand, and attack mommy all in one go!
She is fearless; swinging upside down on the baby swing to having to chase her while we try to change her diaper. From flinging herself into the couch cushions and bouncing off to climbing into anything and everything she can. Through all the boo boos, new experiences, first words, and now finally, first steps. Through all the arguments, sleepless nights, but the unbreakable partnership with my wife. This has been the hardest, but most wonderful year of my life. I cannot wait to see what this next year has in store for my family.
Shout Outs
I want to share my overwhelming gratitude to our families and friends who have been right alongside us on our journey this year whether in person or through social media. Thank you for your endless support and love. Our daughter is so lucky to have you all in her life. But most importantly, I want to thank my wife. You are the most wonderful mom, wife, and friend anyone could ask for. Thank you for everything you do. Here’s to another year of adventures!
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